Helping Young Children Cope with War

Posted: October 28, 2023 | Author: Judy Sklar Rasminsky | Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: Gaza, Hamas, Israel, play, routines, social emotional learning, war |Leave a comment

By Barbara Kaiser and Judy Sklar Rasminsky

The Russians invaded Ukraine early in 2022. Astonishingly, we barely remember that since then they have removed and “adopted” more than 16,000 Ukrainian children ranging in age from 2 to 17 years, very few of whom have been returned to their families.

 In contrast, it is impossible to forget about the horrors of the war in Israel and Gaza. Perhaps this is partly because we know more about some of the children affected—babies, toddlers, and preschoolers who’ve been killed or taken hostage—who inevitably come to mind whenever we see the news or spend time with our own children or the children we teach. 

Children are vulnerable

Does this mean that the children in our daily lives are also more aware of this war? Do they overhear adult conversations about it and become upset if their family and friends are afraid or anxious or angry or sad as a result? Do they see images of destruction and identify with Aviv Asher, the 3½-year-girl or her 5-year-old brother who are now among the 20 to 30 children being held in Gaza by Hamas? Do they believe they’re also in danger even though the war is far away?

The answer to these questions is probably yes. Children feel vulnerable because they depend on the adults in their lives to help them feel safe. They are too often nearby when someone is watching the news on a phone or television or Facebook page or when their families or teachers are discussing the situation, no matter how softly they speak. Children pay close attention to our facial expressions and tone of voice as they search for clues about how to manage their own emotions and behavior. Even if they don’t ask questions about what’s going on, we must talk with them about their thoughts and feelings so that we can help them feel safer and more secure and give them guidance.

 Talking with the children

We can prepare for such conversations by taking care of ourselves, being informed about what’s happening, and sharing our own feelings with people we love and trust so that we have the patience and creativity we need. The American Psychiatric Association counsels us to start by asking the children what they’ve heard and what they think is happening, to listen calmly and carefully to what they say, to answer their questions honestly, and to follow their lead without judgment. We must give them the chance to tell us their worries.

It’s all right for us to say how we feel, to cry and be sad. If we don’t let the children know that it’s okay to feel sad and scared, they may think something is wrong with them when they have these feelings or they may hide what they feel and refuse to speak because they’ve concluded that the events are too dangerous to discuss. 

What children need most is to feel safe, and our goal should be to create a safe place and protect them. Young children probably do not realize how far away Israel and Gaza are and fear that what’s happening there might happen to them, too. During 9/11, the news repeatedly showed the same plane hitting the towers in New York, but each time the children saw this news clip they thought that it was a different plane and a different tower. It was no wonder they believed their parents were in danger when they went to work. 

Again, it’s important to find out what the children know and what they need to know. We must validate their feelings, reassure and comfort them, and give them lots of hugs and kisses and as much one-on-one time as they need. Be sure they know that they can talk with a teacher or another trusted adult at any time—and then, if they take us up on this promise, we must be sure to make ourselves available!

Parents and other family members may not realize what’s appropriate for their child to know. Help them understand that they need to limit what they watch and talk about in their children’s presence no matter where they’re getting their news. Their primary job is to make sure their children know that they’ll take care of them and keep them safe.

Keep your eyes open

At the same time it’s imperative for you to observe the children carefully, looking for signs of fear or anxiety, noticing if they’re more clingy and whiney than usual, need extra hugs, or are short tempered, aggressive, eating or sleeping badly, or more prone than usual to toilet accidents, stomach aches, or thumbsucking. Listen and watch to figure out what each child needs, keeping in mind that challenging behavior is a way of asking for help. 

Some children react immediately; others may take weeks to show anger, fear, or sadness. Boys may act aggressively, while girls are more likely to talk about their feelings. Children who’ve experienced trauma in the past, those who have loved ones in the region, and those with a condition like autism are more likely to need extra comfort and support.  

What else can you do?

• Get back to your routines as quickly as possible. They provide everyone with a sense that life is predictable and consistent.  
• Remember that play is one of the best ways for children to express their feelings. Among other things, it can give them a chance to repeat scenes over and over, providing them with a sense of power. After 9/11, children built towers in the block area and knocked them down with planes. Hard as that may have been for teachers to watch, it was important for the children to do. In the current situation they may engage in pretend war play, even taking hostages.
• Drawing, painting, dancing, dramatic play, and writing are also effective outlets for children’s feelings.
• Tactile play with sand, water, or play dough as well as yoga, meditation, and mindfulness  help to reduce stress.
• Activities that focus on social and emotional development enable the children to learn to respect and take care of others. 
• The NAEYC suggests creating projects where they can help others deal with a traumatic event, for example by making cookies or get well cards for hospital patients. This war offers an opportunity to teach children the importance of helping one another.
• Fred Rogers reminds us to focus on the helpers—police, firefighters, nurses, paramedics, and other people around the world who are working to stop the conflict and bring peace. 

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